My happiness is fragile

'The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life'

I hate how quickly my good mood can be ruined. I can read a single sentence, scroll past a single photo, be struck with a single thought and my whole day will go downhill.

I have a hard time holding onto happiness; no matter how many attempts I make at practicing self acceptance and self care, it keeps slipping from my grasp. I never know how long a good feeling is going to last, which should make it easier for me to enjoy the moment. It should push me to appreciate my best days, it should make my happy times even happier.

Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. I have a hard time coping with happiness because it feels like a trick; it feels like the emotion isn’t supposed to belong to me, like it got lost on its path to someone more deserving than myself.

Whenever something good happens to me, I will ruin it with hours of overthinking. I will jump to the worst case scenario, I will start counting down the clock, waiting for everything good to be taken away from me. I am a pessimist at heart, I assume my dark days will last longer than my light ones.

Happiness makes me suspicious; it makes me wonder whether the universe is going to balance out everything soon. When I am in a good mood I feel like it’s too good to be true, I feel like something horrible is right around the corner waiting to happen. Sometimes, I’m right; some of the most thrilling moments of my life have been followed by the worst ones.

My happiness is a fragile thing. I’m more accustomed to sadness, and comforted by the familiarity. I don’t like to cry myself asleep at night, I don’t like to isolate myself in my bedroom door for days on end, but I have done these things so many times now, they feel normal to me. At least, more normal than smiling real smiles, and laughing real laughs.

I wish I was better at holding onto happiness. I wish I didn’t question every good thing that happened to me because it creates a self fulfilling prophecy. I assume my friends dislike me, so I distance myself from them and it ends in ruining our friendship. I assume someone is going to break my heart so I turn down dates and never end up getting to know them. I assume I am going to fail as I have in the past, so I stay inside my comfort zone instead of giving it a go.

Even though I’m more comfortable in my misery, I’m no longer allowing myself to stay in such a state. I’m trying my hardest to take care of myself, to keep my teeth brushed, hair combed and texts answered. I’m trying to pave a successful future for myself. I'm trying my best.

I might not be well acquainted with happiness, but the next time it comes my way, I am going to grasp it for as long as possible; and maybe one day I will hold on for good.

Your body is not your enemy

'If we could only see ourselves the same way that we see those we love, we could be living in an entirely different world'

I hope one day I can look in the mirror and see myself for who I really am. I want to look into my own eyes and see more than my loneliness. I want to look at my awkward smile and not be disgusted. I want to stand up straight and feel like the way that I am is good enough. I want to embrace my ribcage, especially on the days when it is all I can see. I want to shout to at myself that it is ok. It's ok to be human, and t’s ok to have flaws. I look the way I look, and they look the way they look, and we are all exactly how we are supposed to be.

I want to learn to love every part of myself, even if no one else ever will. From my imperfect teeth, to the protruding bones on my shoulders and the tiny marks telling stories all the way down my thighs. I want to love every part of me. I want to learn to look at myself with the same envy and awe I look upon others with. I want to remind myself that what I see reflected back at me is not who I am, it is only who I appear to be. I want to look in the mirror and see my soul. I want to know that there is goodness left in there. We all have our demons, but I am so sick of always letting mine win.

I wish we were not conditioned from such a young age to hate ourselves. I wish instead of constantly being taught how we can improve, we could for once focus on loving what is already there. Why are we taught to hate our bodies before we can even understand how it functions? Why are we made to believe that beauty can be found only if we are willing to inflict ourselves with so much pain? Why do any of us even aspire to be perfect? Perfect only exists because we let it.

We are taught from a young age what beauty is, and we are told to pluck and paint and shrink ourselves into unattainable images of what society decides is beautiful in that exact moment. Every time you think you might have finally found it, and every time you feel like you might finally love the person looking back at you in the mirror, beauty changes. It is society who decides that the image you have been striving toward for so long is no longer 'it.'; so then the cycle starts again and again, and I fear that it will never end.

We have to stop doing this to ourselves, we have to stop doing this to the future generations to come. You can only push someone so far before they break, and I think so many people in this world are already so broken. Why can’t we just stop and put them all back together; why can’t we all just agree that beauty is everything and nothing all at once? What I find beautiful, you might not, and that does not make either of us wrong. The way you look naturally is never wrong, however it is the way the world treats you that is wrong.

I wish I could look in the mirror and know that my purpose in this life goes far beyond how appealing my physical appearance is. I want to wake up every day and thank my body for the good it does for me, rather than chastising myself for looking this way. I want the weight of the world off of my shoulders so I can hold my head high and carry myself the way I am meant to be carried. I want to believe it when someone tells me that I am beautiful, just like I want you to as well.

Isn't it funny how much time we spend trying to get our loved ones to love themselves when we cannot even love ourselves. If we could only see ourselves the same way that we see those we love, we could be living in an entirely different world. Your body is not your enemy, your peers bodies are not your enemy; however the way you look at yourself so negatively is.

I want to learn to love the girl in the mirror; understanding that my body is not my enemy, my body is my home. Repeating, my body is not my enemy, and I would give anything to truly believe that.

An open letter to my mother; thank you for being my mum

'The woman who loves you unconditionally from birth, the one who always puts her kids before herself, and the one who you can always count on above everyone else. Just telling her your problems makes you feel better; mums always know how to make them all go away. And even if you fight, know that she's only looking out for your best interests'

To my beautiful mother,

Words cannot fathom how grateful and proud I am to be called your daughter. I cannot thank you enough for showing me what unconditional love is, you always put my happiness before your own. I never thought that unconditional love exists but a mothers love is living proof that love has no boundaries. I may not have had all the luxurious things in the world growing up, but having you beside me was beyond enough. Every time you're around, everything just seems so right. I feel safe under your wings, my mother hen, my everything; how could I live without you

I can still remember the day when I was just an innocent little girl, learning how to read and count. You were my first teacher, every morning you would drive me to school and pack my favourite snack, alongside homemade muffins for my friends to share; and when I arrived home in the afternoon, I would begin my homework whilst you would ask me a million and one questions about my day, encouraging me to keep focused on studying. Day and night, you taught me so patiently; and when bed time arose, I would lay beside you listening to you read children books to me until I fell asleep

and mum for that, I thank you. Thank you for loving me when I am not so loveable. Thanks you for lifting me up when I am at my lowest; thank you for being my number one fan. Thank you for raising me with such kindness. Thank you for teaching not to settle for anything less. Thank you for knowing my worth even when the world doesn't. Thank you for believing in me when I dint believe in myself. Thank you for staying, as I know you'll never go even if the world turns its back on me; and thank you for the unconditional love that you always show everyday

I’m sorry if it’s taking me a long time; you deserve the world and I would give it to you even if it means to move heaven and earth. I will. Trust me mum. One day, I will. I’ve seen you happy, and I’ve seen you cry. I’ve seen you hurt, and I’ve seen you tired. I have seen all your sacrifices you have made for me and I would like you to know that you are deeply appreciated. You are the strongest, yet the most loving soul that I have ever known; and when I become a mother, I want to be just like you, tough but always giving. I may not say it too often, but I love you with all my heart and I only but wish upon you good health and a fulfilling life

Love always,

Emma