'The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life'
I hate how quickly my good mood can be ruined. I can read a single sentence, scroll past a single photo, be struck with a single thought and my whole day will go downhill.
I have a hard time holding onto happiness; no matter how many attempts I make at practicing self acceptance and self care, it keeps slipping from my grasp. I never know how long a good feeling is going to last, which should make it easier for me to enjoy the moment. It should push me to appreciate my best days, it should make my happy times even happier.
Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. I have a hard time coping with happiness because it feels like a trick; it feels like the emotion isn’t supposed to belong to me, like it got lost on its path to someone more deserving than myself.
Whenever something good happens to me, I will ruin it with hours of overthinking. I will jump to the worst case scenario, I will start counting down the clock, waiting for everything good to be taken away from me. I am a pessimist at heart, I assume my dark days will last longer than my light ones.
Happiness makes me suspicious; it makes me wonder whether the universe is going to balance out everything soon. When I am in a good mood I feel like it’s too good to be true, I feel like something horrible is right around the corner waiting to happen. Sometimes, I’m right; some of the most thrilling moments of my life have been followed by the worst ones.
My happiness is a fragile thing. I’m more accustomed to sadness, and comforted by the familiarity. I don’t like to cry myself asleep at night, I don’t like to isolate myself in my bedroom door for days on end, but I have done these things so many times now, they feel normal to me. At least, more normal than smiling real smiles, and laughing real laughs.
I wish I was better at holding onto happiness. I wish I didn’t question every good thing that happened to me because it creates a self fulfilling prophecy. I assume my friends dislike me, so I distance myself from them and it ends in ruining our friendship. I assume someone is going to break my heart so I turn down dates and never end up getting to know them. I assume I am going to fail as I have in the past, so I stay inside my comfort zone instead of giving it a go.
Even though I’m more comfortable in my misery, I’m no longer allowing myself to stay in such a state. I’m trying my hardest to take care of myself, to keep my teeth brushed, hair combed and texts answered. I’m trying to pave a successful future for myself. I'm trying my best.
I might not be well acquainted with happiness, but the next time it comes my way, I am going to grasp it for as long as possible; and maybe one day I will hold on for good.
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